It's not often that Terry Wogan features on In the News. Not since the bender with Amy Winehouse and Slash that reduced Aylsbury town centre to rubble has the old man popped up on these pages. And even that episode was entirely made up.But today Tel takes a bow, as with just four days to go until this year's extravaganza, the grand jefe of UK Eurovision song contest coverage is claiming that an "Iron Curtain" has descended on the competition with a pact between Balkan and former Soviet countries meaning "Britain" - yes, Britain - may never win the competition again.
Unsurprisingly, these remarks get big play in today's Daily Telegraph. "It's understandable that all those new countries will want to huddle together for warmth but it doesn't do much for our prospects," Wogan is quoted as saying, and you must give props to the man for the way in which "huddle together for warmth" suggest images of peasants sharing a potato.
"Eurovision was intended to bring us all together but instead it makes it manifestly clear how far apart we all are. People in Bosnia Herzegovina are bound to feel more culturally attuned to the music of Serbia or Montenegro that to anything from western Europe."
Indeed, Tel, indeed. Just as we are more culturally attuned to, say, Belgian pop or fado from Portugal (hang on, I thought we hated that stuff - confused, little Englander ed). The Telegraph then goes on to substantiate Tel's claims with what can only be described as statistics.
"Since 2001, the contest has been won by Estonia, Latvia, Turkey, Ukraine and Serbia. Only in 2005 and 2006 when Green and then Finland triumphed did the eastern stranglehold ease."
The eastern stranglehold! It's like Rosa Klebb was never executed in Venice! Such is the eastern Europe's cold, clammy grip that Wogan fears we might never win Eurovision again. "Andy Abrahams's song is the best UK entry for a while: if we finish nowhere again, I worry that disenchantment might take hold."
A dreadful thought. As of this morning, the bookmakers have Sweden to win on Saturday. In the News is not certain as to whether this is confirmation of Tel's suspicions or not.
Of all the things we've heard about Pete Doherty, the most shocking of all is that he played a full afternoon's football last Sunday. Doherty, who took part in the Celebrity Soccer Six tournament at Millwall, makes it his business to abuse his body as hard and consistently as he possibly can, and it seemed certain that even a moderate jog might lead to him heading straight to casualty.
Oddly, nothing of the sort transpired. Yes, Pete defied the sceptics once again, coming runner up in the competition and still having enough energy left to urinate in the winner's trophy.
The Sun reports on the manky micturation this morning, via a source: "Babyshambles were given access to the chairman's office so the attention surrounding Pete wouldn't get in the way of all the other guests.
"He decided to play a prank but overstepped the mark.
"One of the security guards was tipped off that Pete was trying to take a trophy. When he checked it out he found that Pete wasn't nicking it, he was filling it up.
"He is a huge QPR fan and thought it would be a laugh to leave a little surprise."
A laugh for who, exactly, is expected to be confirmed later this week.
Finally, the extent Bizarre's Smart Gordon's influence has become clear. So powerful is his grip on the minds of Sun readers that they seem willing to cross the capital just to stare blankly at celebrities mentioned in his column.
Let Smart Gordon relate the full story: "Market trader Boy George downed tools on his stall after being surrounded by fans.
"On Saturday we revealed the fallen star was flogging £10 T-shirts in Spitalfields market in east London. So the next day the ex-Culture Club star's B-Rude stall was heaving.
"Sadly, no one was buying. They just wanted to gawp.
A source said: "He just got pissed off. He left after about an hour and asked a mate to cover for him."
Now we're not sure that disrupting the natural flow of capitalism is standard News Corp policy, but still we salute young Smart. Sources from inside an arts and crafts market? Now that's connections.
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